Chloe's Leavers Blog - finally :)

 Please excuse how this was written, I do a very silly drama school course, and I haven’t had to write more than my name in 9 months. I’m sat in my silly dorm bed writing me this on my DSA laptop (a win for the mentally ill girlies), realising how utterly bad my ability to Words has become. Anyway..

Leaving YTYT was one of the oddest experiences of my life, and yet, I don’t remember it at all. I’d spent the last few years, waving off some of my closest friends as they went on to conquer their dreams, in a tearful circle, yet all I have is a fuzzy memory and a video saved in an instagram highlight. I’d sell a kidney to try and bring back that experience, to do my final show unclouded by new medication and intrusive thoughts, but as that isn’t possible, I thought I’d finally write my leavers blog, even if it is a year late.

I started Yew Tree in 2017, as a way to explore drama outside of the agonising GCSE setting, and across the years, it became a lifeline for me, providing confidence, hope, theatrical skills, life lessons and most importantly, a community. I’ve always been a silly little gal, and YTYT gave me a way to channel that into the sessions, through games, and also through performances. From 2017 to 2022, I worked my way from Sapphire Company, to Gold and finally to Black company, stopping at several destinations such as NT Connections, LAMDA exams and Miners Memorials along the way.

I’m currently in my final week of the foundation year at East 15, and it has been one of the most challenging experiences of my life; I dread to think what it would have been like without the prior knowledge and experiences I picked up from Sarah. My time at YT helped my socially here; as a neurodivergent person, moving 200 miles from what I perceived as safety to a little ‘seaside’ town in Essex to study devising and acting for a year was terrifying, and because of many sessions of YT, I was able to swiftly find a home in my classmates (teaching them YeeHaw and Peter Piper helped though lol).

When people ask me what my favourite performance I did with YT is, I’m always drawn to Chaos, our 2019 NT Connections play. Going into the rehearsal room was terrifying, as the previous cast was incredibly tight-knit, after going to the National together, so entering this as a socially inept newbie was sickening as a concept. I also, frankly, am not proud of my individual work in Chaos; I was inexperienced, nervous and just trying to please (there is a Brooklyn 99 joke that would fit perfectly there but I feel it would be completely inappropriate). But the thing I loved about Chaos, was once the cliquey boundaries were brought down, we created the most beautiful ensemble piece of theatre; and without the stress of trying to please National Theatre, we were able to truly live in the moment and just create the most beautiful art - the final moment is something I wish I could bottle up and feel again, as a little treat. Connections plays have always been incredibly special to me, the training we got as part of the process has been so helpful in getting me to, and helping me through drama school. Hunt was my final play, and was so much fun, despite still having a mildly damp scalp 3 days later. I don’t have much love in me for Witches, but that's nothing to do with the company, and everything to do with the script hehe, and Look Up gave me the shove I needed to know I was going to flourish in the Arts.

Over the years, our weekly sessions amounted to a collection of Christmas shows (one leading me to join Orange company as a 17 year old), which taught me the Peter Brook principle of “play is play”. Drama is so fun. So bloody fun. If the last few years have taught us anything, it should be the desire to chase fun and silliness; the world is so dull and bleak, you may as well get a laugh out of it. I also was given the opportunity to work with Alan Woods on Remember Where You Came from, which was my first dip into community theatre. This was followed by several more years of Miners memorial performances, which, now that I’ve become a dirty southerner, I’ve come to really cherish, as it’s a beautiful memento of my Northern heritage. Working with the people who put their lives on the line to give our country power is so important, and reminds me of the beauty of my home. My favourite show memories include that one show that I jumped on my suitcase and screamed about pasta, getting stabbed by my poppy pin in the boob at the 1940s memorial service, giving Maddie a lovely battering in Look Up and of course the cha cha slide in my final Christmas show. That leads me to my final YT show, Much Ado about Nothing. I was cast as a queer Beatrice, alongside one of my best friends Nat, and everything was utterly incredible - the 70s theme, the staging process, even getting my lines learnt, I was loving the process. Unfortunately, around this time, I got into a rather unhealthy relationship that ultimately tipped my already frazzed mental health off some rocks. I struggled for a month, and after having a panic attack in a Spoons pub garden, I went to the doctor, who took one look at me, said I was too fragile for therapy, and put me on two kinds of medication, Citalopram for my depression and Propranolol to slow my heart rate down, so I literally couldn’t have a panic attack. What I failed to mention here, is this appointment took place 3 days before we performed Much Ado. And if anyone has taken anti-depressies, you’ll know they take around 6 weeks to make you feel ‘normal’ again. So, my brain was turned to mashed potatoes, my body was a shell and I felt like utter garbage, but I really did not feel like stressing out Sarah more with this, so I did what any Absolute Unit* did, and just did 2 nights of 2hr Shakespeare. I have 0 memory of this. None. Zilch. It breaks my heart.

(* do not do this it’s very stupid you will literally regret it so much and it probably caused me lots of bother and regret, talk to people about ur Menty H)

And after all of that, including the challenges and experiences my first year sans YT has thrown at me, I decided I just wasn’t built for BA Acting afterall. I withdrew most of my applications (lol), and received an unconditional offer to study Experimental Arts and Performance at the Royal Central School of Speech and Drama - I cannot wait to see where it takes me in the next few years. I don’t think I could put into words how utterly impossible Acting courses are, if you are unwell. They are incredibly difficult anyway, throw in the challenge of mental and physical illness, and they are just unattainable. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a magical time this last year, but my health truly has gotten the better of me, and I had to compromise my dream of studying Acting at a conservatoire. Nevertheless, I am beyond excited to begin my new chapter of life and all the skills I’m going to learn. I still don’t have an answer to ‘where will this lead you?’, but for once, I’m okay with that. I could use this space for personal thanks (tempting lol), but I want to thank everyone who showed me love, light, kindness and belief during my time at Yew Tree. I probably wouldn’t be here without it. Eternal thanks to Sarah, for always being in my corner, which felt pretty empty at times (looking at you getting bullied in college era!), and for tutoring me to become the best version of myself - and for calling me out for being too hard on myself (I keep your voice in my head as I’ve navigated this year). The most love always! So for the final time, over and out! It’s been a pleasure guys <3