Arwen's Leavers blog

I made a start writing this leaver’s blog when I was on a bloody needed holiday over a month ago, on the glorious Isle of Islay in Scotland. I’m re-writing it now, because I think it was naff to be honest. And I’m not in the same mindset as I was then. Also I might have had a few too many drams of whisky whilst writing it there, so there’s that.

A line I’ll keep from it however is: “How am I meant to do justice and summarise in my writing the enormity of an impact that Yewtree has had on me these last 5-ish years?”

How can I articulate all the skills that I've learnt and developed? The experiences I’ve had? There’s so much, where and what do I start on? So I’ll do just that, and put some of the skills I’ve learnt into use:

“You can’t be a creative, a critic, and an editor at the same time”

But in fairness - I don’t think I could share and articulate all those things. And I’m not sure that I want to, they’re for me. I can’t put that expectation on myself.

The past year I’ve felt as If I’ve blinked and 3 months have gone by - there’s been no time to breathe. No time to sit and process everything either - I’ve just had to move onto the next thing and keep planning. And I’m struggling to write this blog, I really am. I’d love to share with whoever's reading this about all that I’ve achieved, the experiences that I’ve had, how I’ve learnt and how I've grown. I wonder how much of myself to share, how far I should detail what I’ve gone through, been resilient through, and achieved this year. In the past 5-ish years. I wonder if it’s self-indulgent - I wonder if I really care, it is my blog. This blog feels pessimistic, I’d like it to have a brighter tone. I don’t want to force a brighter tone if I’d like to achieve honesty in this writing.

What I’ll tell you is - it’s been the best year, it’s been the worst year.

It’s been the best 5 years.

I came to Yewtree having done theatre since I was little, It started with making up silly and lovely little plays on the playground in primary school with Yewtree’s own Nat - which we would perform to our class (a lovely fact that Nat reminded me of after I took my final Yewtree bow). I had played Lady Macbeth at the age of 10 in Shakespeare’s School Festival, and continued my passion into my GCSE’s. Come college, at 16, I wanted to be a botanist, or an astrobiologist. Nonetheless, I still adored acting and theatre, so through my mate of almost 15 years and Yewtree Graduate Ben Walton - I started at Yewtree. Yewtree was needed for me, I went through a myriad of circumstances that no 15/16 year old should ever have to know - college was a new start, Yewtree was the beginning of a change to everything. I would not be the woman that I am now without it. 

Covid, unfair exams, and college flipped that on its head (to say the least). I now adore biology, always will - but come the age of 18 I decided that I wanted to pursue acting and being “a creative”. I wanted to take a gap year - time away from formal education, time to grow and learn and experience whatever I could get my hands on before I flung myself back into it. And god have I done so. As much as, sometimes, I invalidate the scale of what I have achieved in under 2 years - I remind myself to sit back and think through everything. Then I realise I am being daft. I have done so bloody much. I have smashed it. Just need to keep reminding myself.

It started with LAMDA Exams, rebuilding my confidence in my academic abilities after A-Levels and expanding the foundations of my craft, my acting abilities and skills, and everything that accompanies them. I have completed a total of 6 LAMDA exams in the space of a year and a half, earning distinctions in every single one of them. Pushing myself as far as I could, and admittedly sometimes a bit too far beyond what I could manage.

Yewtree shows and Connections performances were woven in between all of this - as well as extra theatre programmes, workshops, building my love of photography, travelling, drama school auditions, and managing a cocktail bar. Not to mention adjusting to my talented partner Connor Monkman (who I met through the both of us being at Yewtree, awwee) moving down to London to start his Writing Course at Central. I’ve always liked to say that each year Connections marks for me the development of my skills and my craft. “Hunt” in particular, as many other of my cast mates agree, was something so special, inimitable, and unique - and really marked a turning point for me. My first year of drama school applications I received no second auditions - as the case usually goes. My second year of drama school applications this year - I received second auditions and recalls from every single place I applied to, and a final audition at LAMDA itself. An astronomical difference and success. But unfortunately, no further (this year).

I’ve talked before, in previous blogs, about how I have “high standards and expectations for myself” - that remains to be true. A “third gap-year” for me is not ideal - but I had a lovely little plan laid out for it. The past months since my final audition result I’ve put effort into that “plan b”. 

Carving out a year for myself in which I can continue to learn, experience, and grow. And then apply to drama schools again. That’s always the plan. The news settled, I was so hopeful, so excited, so hungry to get my hands on everything and embrace the start to my 20’s. Between being on The Isle of Islay and now those plans have been thrown to the wind through external forces. Anger, disappointment, and loss. “I don’t think I could share and articulate all those things. And I’m not sure that I want to, they’re for me” - “I wonder how much of myself to share, how far I should detail what I’ve gone through, been resilient through, and achieved this year”. I am struggling to write this blog. I am struggling, in general.

But as the Yorkshire girl I am - “be reyt”

It will be reyt.

If I could hug and hold the 16 Year old me who first walked in those doors at Yewtree I would. I would commend her for jumping into the unknown and trusting she would land on the other side. I would commend her for being brave, resilient, open-minded, curious, stubborn, and articulate.

And I would do the same for every other bloody wonderful actor that I have come to work with through Yewtree.

I have come to appreciate the roots of creativity, the nuances of why art and performance is crucial to our society and our emotional and spiritual well being as humans, and the place that I have grown up in (regardless of how much I am clawing and desperate to leave for somewhere new). Big up the North.

To reiterate - I would not be the woman that I am now without Yewtree. And also without my gap years.

I would not be the woman that I am without the incredible people I have crossed paths with. To every single person that I have ever worked alongside at Yewtree or done a performance with. To you reading this. I am so thankful for you. I admire you to no end. You have brought so much joy, so much inspiration, so many kind words. Our paths will cross again and I am always, always rooting for you.

And the same goes to every person who has come to see our shows! Who has watched me and all of us on stage, who has spoken to me after performances. I might have been knackered, but you’ve given me such a lovely warm feeling and reinforced why this is what I love to do. And what I will continue to do.

And to Sarah, I know you’re not majorly one for praise or accolades. But it has to be said, as every once in a while you do need to hear it. I would not be who I am without you. You are a phenomenal, selfless, intelligent, hard-working, and caring woman. The importance of the work you do cannot accurately be put into words. I would not be where I am, or where I am going, without you or Yewtree.

I think that’s all.

Lots of love, Arwen x