The last of the farewell blogs...Hannah says goodbye on her way to drama school...

It is midnight and I am currently in another country having another crack at writing my last ever blog for which I have definitely missed the deadline. Preceding this there were possibly two others I'd signed up for and when I say "signed up" they weren't voluntary. Sorry Sarah. I think the reason for this is because it's quite daunting thinking about writing something with your voice, your own thoughts and opinions. The worries flood in, will people like it? Will they agree? Do I even have an opinion? So I end up writing some drivel I imagine other people will like, or not saying entirely everything I want to say. It is why I much prefer writing for myself. It is why when asked to write for Yew Tree I have always shyed away. These worries don't just go through my head when I am writing for an audience, they go through my head daily, in creating, devising, and even everyday conversations in front of more than just one person. A time they are not around is when I get to perform, luckily. If they were I think I'd need to find something else to do with all my time. But the pressure I refer to is something I know a lot of people feel, and it is especially difficult when surrounded by a room full of creative, funny and entertaining people such as Yew Tree-ers. These thoughts that seem to crawl into my head have only recently started to dissipate. Sure, there have been many drafts of this blog, maybe because I'm not satisfied easily, or maybe and more honestly, because I want you to like it. The main lesson I have learned from Yew Tree is that these worries or self-doubt are not worth it. Not everyone will like my work or me and that's ok, a person, whether an artist or not, should not have to feed off the validation of others. We all do it, but it's learning to live without it that's the hard part. In the rehearsal room in particular, there have been moments where I have felt unsafe, the self-doubt starts to seep into my mind, even when trying to find an interesting anecdote to tell to a group of people I have known now for two years. Yet all of these moments were in my head, as the reactions were never as critical as I imagined people to be. There is no judgement in Black company, even when you say something stupid or ridiculous, there will laughter (of course) but no judgement. The truth everyone knows is that we are our own worst critics, whether it's about something we create, ourselves, our appearances. No person of substance would ever critique you as harshly as you do yourself. It doesn't mean that "'self-indulgent twoddle" is the way to go, it means that self-esteem, confidence and self-love are much more beneficial. I knew this all along, but I never really put it into practice. There have been some moments where I thought Sarah is a crazy person for asking me to do things that scare me, whether it’s write a monologue (which I was too scared to do) or direct younger performers when I had never done it before (which I wasn’t too scared to do) and many more in-between. I feel fortunate that I have had so many opportunities with Yew Tree and also sad I didn’t take every one of them up, although if I did, there wouldn’t be any time for sleep. I feel like this is supposed to be an ‘end of an era’ blog post, a post for me to say goodbye and thanks and for it all to get a little emotional. And that is entirely what I expected would happen as a person who regularly cries at a kind word, song or sad advert on tv. The problem is, for once in my life, I don’t feel emotional about this. In my last session, I didn’t feel overcome with sentimentality or loss of leaving a group I have come to adore. It may be because it hasn’t quite hit yet, or it may be because I don’t think I’m losing anyone. The people I have met are a group who inspire me daily. I think it is important to note that my education at Black company has not solely revolved around me improving as an actor, but as a person, and that is why I emphasise that it is the people of Yew Tree that inspire me, even more than their performances. They have taught me creativity, compassion, freedom. I think just as I’m about to leave Yew Tree, I have finally felt as confident as I wanted to be, or as confident as the people who inspire me. It's strange to think a company of young people, most are younger than me, have so much talent, so much diversity. I have seen and heard about the Yew Tree members that have left before us, who have gone on to do incredible things, acting or otherwise. But I do have a real fondness for our Black company and that's why I'm glad I didn't start any earlier, I may not have got to meet and make theatre with the Black company I know. It feels unique to me, not because we are any better than the actors that went before us but because we're a pretty diverse bunch of people. Filled with writers, directors, musicians, singers, dancers, comedic actors, dramatic actors, and everything in-between. I would love to say I am all of these things but I'm not, maybe some day I will be. This goal of mine is inspired by Black company. It is impossible to watch them perform and not feel completely motivated to get on their level, to create work that comes even a little bit close to theirs. And this is where I get a little mushy as I have to say my thanks. My thanks to the incredible writers who always write what they believe, the musicians and singers who make me feel everytime they perform, the creatives who have an endless amount of ideas and talent flowing from their fingertips, the funny people who encourage me to be less afraid and the role model who supports me in everything I do. You know who you are, hopefully.

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